if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
