There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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