did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
