I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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