Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
