I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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