new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I still have a little drunk in my system
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize