I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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