Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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