If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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