he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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