I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
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she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
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Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
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