this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
