Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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