i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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