I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
