My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
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Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
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Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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