I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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