I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
