im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
