there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
