All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.