i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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