then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
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But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
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Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Enjoy the penises