Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
