I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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