Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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