Screwed.edu
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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