They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
