I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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