Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
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The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
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Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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