Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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