i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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