apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I love you. Go after that dick
I came so hard my ears popped.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
