All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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