so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
