I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
