Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
