Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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