I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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