my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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