True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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