Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
