found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
