I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
