Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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