It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
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I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
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How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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