At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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