Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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