how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
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