Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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