Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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