this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
