I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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