connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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