A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
