my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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